At this age where most of us are expected to settle down, I’ve come to expect something else. Instead of being the perennial bridesmaid as depicted often in movies, I’m now known as the resident emcee. Having been cajoled, begged and yes, even arm-twisted into becoming the master (or mistress) of ceremonies, I’ve emceed at least four of my cousins’ weddings. Wedding pictures may show the changing of the dais, bride, groom and theme colours but I remain rooted in my envy-less position. Barring unforeseen circumstances like being away on my travels, I will definitely be seen at relatives’ weddings with the microphone in hand. On a day which marks my cousins’ foray into a new chapter of their lives, I’m no longer the legal eagle. Instead, I’ve become the traffic announcer responsible in guiding relatives and guests through the itinerary. With 2012 beckoning, I don’t think a list of new resolutions is required. What I think I will most probably need are perhaps my own microphone and a couple of painkillers as I sight a few more weddings on the horizon.
Before I talk about the future, I need to revisit the past. And it began when the first of my cousins was about to get married. The bride’s parents requested me to be the emcee because they were going to hold a lavish do. I agreed because honestly, there was nothing humongous in public speaking. And as a folly on my part, I thought it was just a one-off favour. Well, I clearly did not have a realistic inkling of how the roads to hell are paved with good intentions! That one-off favour is now a never-ending cycle of expectation that I will always be there to emcee the event. But through it all, I’ve had the unfortunate privilege of swallowing experiences. Some were more painful than the rest and some really drove my sanity up the wall. Now, I’m considering whether I ought to continue with this post as I may just tread on unknown or sensitive toes.
*Thinks for a brief few seconds*
Enough thinking.
I’m going to proceed. As I will not apologise for the things I’m about to write, please exercise some caution on your part. Stop reading if you feel offended.
Weddings are frightening because of the sheer amount of planning and effort thrown into it. It is a military drill to be executed amidst meters of satin, bouquets of roses and door gifts but minus the rifles and explosives. Then, there are the relatives, people God connect you to through blood ties and honestly, people which you probably will not be friends with if given the choice. Combine relatives and weddings together and that’s when you find yourself in a completely different battlefield.
If you’re a guest at a typical wedding, all you are expected to do is to turn up at the reception and give present/token of cash as a matter of courtesy. Eat, indulge in some small talk with other guests at your table, have that customary picture with the bride and groom and pretty soon, you’ll be on your way out. With a relative’s wedding, there is no such thing. My cousins’ wedding receptions take no more than a few hours each but the amount of time expected from relatives is far beyond that. It’s worse when my female cousins are the ones getting married. In the latter context, I’ve learnt to accept that my time is never mine. Especially when we make countless trips to and fro to the bride’s house in the week leading up to the solemnization and eventual reception.
From my viewpoint, there’s nothing wrong to congregate to the bridal house if there is distribution of work and that work gets done. What I’ve fail to understand however, is this concept Mum calls as ‘meramai-ramaikan’. Perhaps I’m a dunce but what is the point of having many people in the house doing nothing? They talk and eat alright but at the end of day, the speed of the mouth was way faster than the hands. Take the most recent wedding as an example. We had converged at the bride’s house on an almost daily basis before the reception. I was reluctant to go because seriously, there are better things for me to do on weeknights than spending it at relatives’ houses. Yet, because I’ve a duty to carry out during the reception, I knew it was most important for me to go through the itinerary with my cousin.
So it was to my chagrin that no itinerary had been prepared when there were specific arrangements made for us to meet. With the co-emcee absent (citing work as a reason. Hmm, it makes me wonder. Am I the only person not working around here?), there was really no purpose in sacrificing my weeknight. Yet, I found myself again in the presence of the bride-to-be and relatives two nights away. Perhaps my cousin had to worry about other things but again, the simple things I needed her confirmation on were reduced to multiples of ‘Oh, that? Have to check. Will inform you’ or ‘I’m not sure la. Can I let you know later?’. I wouldn’t have any problem with those responses if not for the fact that the reception was the following day! I may be anal when it comes to details but I will never allow myself to be a fool thanks to others’ lack of priorities. If the person was a stranger, I think I would have spewed out venomous replies in view of the complacency being displayed. Since she is my cousin, all I could do was bit my lip and give a hard shrug of ‘Sure, it’s your wedding anyway’.
Perhaps I failed to notice the writings on the wall. The next morning which was hours before the reception, we were woken up by a call from the bride’s mother. Despite the catered food having arrived well ahead of time, the family just found out that there was no dining ware for the main table. This caused Mom to rush to our kitchen and retrieve her treasured china, packed them up in bubble-wrap and make arrangements for the ware to be delivered to the venue. I was disgusted. So much time had been spent on unnecessary stuff like stuffing the eggs in their ornate tiny bags and yet, no planning for crucial items like dining ware for the main table?
And I was not spared from further heart attacks. For this particular wedding, I learnt that the emcee’s job is not limited to holding the microphone and knowing the itinerary. Being an emcee also means ‘bidan terjun’ (I do not know the exact translation in English. Think ‘unfortunate soul’ suffices) for any emergency that arises. To my horror, I found out that there was no one assigned to distribute doorgifts to guests despite much effort spent on them. I tried asking the bride’s mother but all my aunt said was ‘Tak tahulah. Tak ada orang’. Again, that response could be fine weeks before the event but was totally unacceptable now. As I could not order the elders around (though I seriously wish I could), my target was my other cousins. Since they were doing nothing but just hanging around snapping pictures, I put their enthusiasm to good use. With those smartly dressed stationed at the gates and younger cousins tasked with replenishing the baskets, that was a problem solved.
Next was the main hall where the imposing dais took its place. I saw that my aunt had placed the trays of gifts (to be exchanged with the groom’s family) right in the middle of the hall. Although the crowd was still small, I foresee problems when the groom’s entourage makes their way into the packed hall. The groom may just find his gifts trampled on, or worse, disappear. Having received permission from the bride’s elder sister, we moved the trays to line the side walls. My attention was then drawn to the dais itself. There was no doubt that the dais was exceptionally pretty and flanked by two huge pillars of flowers. However, I believe that functionality should override design, especially since there would be no space for the best man and the bridesmaid to get onto the dais. Got some relatives to move the silvery ‘bunga pahar’ and bunga telur slightly to the side to provide some sort of walkway. Then, the photographer approached me and said that the seats would have to be brought forward so guests can stand behind the couple during picture-taking session. I took note and prepared for the event which has not started but has already caused much personal anxiety.
The emcee job itself was not difficult. It was for me, going through the standard routine as I had done previously. Yet, given my slight obsessive compulsive disorder, the fact that things were not planned was enough to keep me grim-faced throughout the ceremony. And having relatives who are quick to comment but could do nothing took a severe toll on my thinning patience. First was a male cousin who was quick to object when I asked for another cousin’s help to approach the guests. The point was, I did not even ask for his help. But that didn’t stop him from trying to dissuade our other cousin from helping. I think I snapped at him and pointed out that people who cannot work do not have the right to say anything. With that, he took his exit. Second was a bunch of female cousins who were chilling near the dais when the couple was having their ‘Makan Beradab’. Remembering that the photography session was the next item on the list, I told them that we needed to prepare the dais in a way that more people would be allowed to be on it. My cousins, brilliant as they were, nonchalantly told me that we should only do that once the couple is done with their meal. I was flabbergasted.
Were they seriously thinking of preparing the dais when the bride & groom are already in the hall??
Utter nonsense. They may be my relatives but I think the term ‘advance planning’ does not hold any water for them. Well, time for me to exercise the ‘older cousin’ authority. Pushed them aside and got hold of the odd-job men to do whatever which was necessary, including pushing the flowers further into the background.
After this wedding and the preceding chaos, I had told few of my relatives that I will no longer be the emcee for any weddings. As usual, I spoke too soon. That very same night, I met up with a couple of F6 friends. Two of them are getting married to each other in November 2011. Guess who they asked to be the emcee?
Sigh.
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