Recently, I tried to get in touch with my former STPM English Literature tutor. Since we parted ways in 2002 (I know this would be the give-away as to my age if one does the maths), I knew she has obtained her Ph. D and I've progressed to working life after 4 years of reading law. Somehow, I managed to obtain her mobile number and we exchanged a few sms-es, words that reflected the strength of memory against passing years. Regrettably, our face-to-face meet remains elusive until today. But if I do get to meet her, my wish would be to discuss again over cakes and coffee, William Blake's Songs of Innocence & Experience.
You see, the me in 2002 couldn't understand what was the deal in studying William Blake's words. I aced my Literature paper for sure but that was that. When I was still a student, Blake's poetry was merely a component in the STPM syllabus together with Shakespeare's Much Ado About Nothing, Austen's Emma and a few other short stories. But with each passing year of adulthood, I begin to belatedly realise the impact of Blake's observations on what separates the dreams and reality of life. And with the ongoing Raya celebrations, never did I feel more keenly, that I may have just stepped over the threshold of youthful innocence and straight into the jaded embrace of experience.
It is a pity considering that I used to like the idea of Raya, very much. After a month of fasting, who could fail to look forward to a month of mouth-watering food? And with generous relatives readily parting way with packets of money over a small forehead to hand gesture, nothing could beat that equation. Even when I stopped 'receiving' and became a 'giver' despite my unchanged personal status, I still had no complains. But that Syawal enjoyment for this year seemed to have completely evaporated. In its place came this sense of frustration that the ties that bind us together, may have been too tight until it reaches a point of strangulation. Well, this is how I felt, lest some quarters feel offended.
Today being the 7th day of Raya, I must make this observation. As what I've shared with my sisters who are (fortunately for them) abroad, Raya has lost its joys. The going-arounds I enjoyed as a kid has lost its appeal and is now, a form of stress. Despite Raya being one whole month, it seems that everyone make it their business to visit and be visited within the first few days of Raya. My Mum will definitely not appreciate this coming from her daughter but I find it extremely vexing. Where my maternal relatives are concerned, it is seriously nothing but a game of 'Musical House'! You'll see the same people congregating together from one house to another. And if that's not enough, there's even cases of visiting the same houses, again and again. Perhaps my relatives are a tad too generous but seriously, to revisit the same house(s) just because the host is now preparing a different dish than what was served on the first day of Raya? Sigh.
That's not all. For this year, there was also the planned 3d-2n get-away for my maternal family members in Cameron Highlands. From the 4th to 6th day of Raya, I was under the same roof with each of Mom's siblings and their respective family members. Add a grand-aunty, a second cousin and my uncle's in-laws, there were 28 of us in a colonial bungalow with a sprawling compound. Don't get me wrong, I actually enjoyed the get-away and the cool weather helped tremendously. But the irony was that these 28 people are the same company in whose presence I spent the first 3 days of Raya! Yet, everyone makes it a big deal for their houses to be visited in those preceding 3 days. Woe betide if I fail to make those visits or refuse to eat what has been served in each of those houses. If only you could imagine that I visit at least 3 houses a day and each host expects guests to devour their food as if it's the last meal on earth... People call it fulfilling one's social obligations. I call it an unwarranted absurdity.
I know it's Raya and Syawal's all about strengthening the family ties but I'm left to wonder. Is an individual's sanity not important enough? This question looms in the face as the long Raya break comes to an end tomorrow. With work that can only be described as stressful, I need my weekend breaks more than ever. I need the weekends to just chill at home in peace without fearing that my tv-bonding time will change into kitchen duty. And yet, I don't see that the coming weekends will be mine. With relatives' weddings filling the weekend's diaries and more Raya visits to do and expect (which is not surprising considering that we've only started with Dad's relatives today), I only hope Syawal ends fast. At least, that's when the chaos will subside and calm re-appears.
p/s: I recently turned a year older but even that was a not a cause for celebration. After all, what's another jaded year of sarcasm and cynicism? Hmm...Alphaville's Forever Young on repeat is infinitely appealing.
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