Annus Mirabilis 2014

I was a Primary 3 pupil when the Queen of England admitted year 1992 as Her Majesty's annus horribilis. To the 9 year old me, it seemed very strange that the lady who breathes epitome of Queen's English, had somehow peppered her speech with a foreign sounding term.  Although I eventually learnt it was Latin for 'a horrible year', it took 21 years before I myself  proclaimed 2013 as my annus horribilis.

 

2013 was expected to be a year like any other. Where 12 months of routine and insignificance will pass before first of January re-appears like a fine-tuned clockwork. What I didn't expect was for 2013 to be a year of tremendous change for me. The years of pent-up frustration and work-related stress, calculated suppression of emotional outbursts, constant grappling with what I see as personal failures and a steady inward spiral into depression were bent on throwing a huge party. To which I was the host but not invited.

 

Despite the smiles I could muster as a front, it did nothing to calm my inner being. I was mentally and emotionally exhausted. Writing and speaking out are my strongholds but yet, words can't be found to describe the hell I was going through. Even with family members and friends, part of it was my pride that I will always be there for them and their troubles. The idea that I need their help was to me, a point of personal weakness. I have to always, always, always be in control. The fact that I knew I was losing control materialised in many ways. Some were more visible to the world, some were only mine to see. My pillow was inevitably dampened by silent tears. Sleep was only a brief respite as the eyes became trained to stare into darkness. Dreams were fleeting, too far and few in between. And yet, the alarm clock would faithfully ring its head to usher in a new morning. I would get up from the bed and trudged into the world thinking 'Today's just another day'. 

 

I knew I was hitting rock-bottom and dropping further. It doesn't help when I needed some space, and I got those 'you're spiritually lacking' poison to the ears instead. For the sages out there, you wouldn't know how close one is to his or her God or the extent of an individual's battle with their personal demons. In moments like these, one needs comforting words to clear their thoughts. Don't preach to those who are already eyeing that strand of rope and wonder whether it's strong enough to hang. Your words may just be the final push for them to jump from some rooftop, if only to escape from your well-meaning intentions.  

 

From those thoughts, I felt I have to make a change. That was how I took a considerable period of unpaid leave and embarked on a month-long European trip. My first solo trip, the first tick on my bucket list. The trip had its moments of fright but deliriously liberating all the same. I've written on this before (check out Recollections from a crazy journey) but clearly, you wouldn't know earlier how it was really fuelled by desperation. I returned home (in one piece, thank God) and changed jobs soon after. The decision meant uprooting myself from Kuala Lumpur to Penang but I took it in my stride. And it's here in Penang that I'm spending the last few hours of 2013 before we usher in 2014.

 

I don't know about you but tonight, I'll be having dinner with a few good friends in some restaurant in Straits Quay. Others may wish for far greater dreams in the year to come. I just want to enjoy the present and silently hoping (and praying) that 2014 be my annus mirabilis! With the Leessang first showcase in Malaysia in January and the My Fair Lady musical in February, it's starting to look like a wonderful year ahead (and possibly the start of many more exciting years to come!).

 

Have a blessed Happy New Year! Don't drink and drive. Just dance the night away :)