Torn

Once again, it's not surprising at my total disregard for my blog and my previous resolution of blogging at least once a week. My last post was back in January and it is now March 2010. Two months have passed which could have translated into many, many blog entries to put you to sleep, haha.

I take this opportunity to state this. Would anyone believe me if I claim that I would constantly have the urge to blog (while I'm doing something else) and yet, when I find myself in front of the screen, nothing would tempt me to actually blog?

During the long lapse, I've had many conversations with fellow colleagues and most recently, a friend over dinner/supper yesterday. The issues were both general (which tended to go to the 'controversial' aspect of politics and religion, among others) and personal. As to the latter, I find it amusing to discover (or perhaps, a fact which I've known all along but I conveniently ignored) that I have subjected myself to what others may be going through, namely the dilemma of wondering whether where I am right now is due to what I wanted or what other people (or society) expect of me.

At the risk of sounding like a pompous ass, I've had people telling me that -

(a) I'm born for the field that I am currently working in; or

(b) I'll be a force to be reckoned with in my chosen profession.

And to those remarks, my response will be (depending on the situation) -

(a) I was fooled by Hollywood into studying what I've studied in the university; or

(b) I should have been an English literature student before becoming a teacher who clutches to
her classics and hope that her students will not shun Shakespeare like a terminal disease.

Never once did I say that 'Yes, I am born for this' or 'I was inspired by so and so to take up this field'. Instead, I think I've sailed through my studies and reached where I am thanks to luck alone. I've had great teachers, fantastic opportunities and solid support from everyone that matters that led me to where I am professionally. For that, I should be thankful, no? Especially when there are many unemployed graduates looking for a job.

I am torn. I like what I am doing right now (obviously, the pay is very good to maintain the lifestyle that I've grown accustomed to) and yet, I do get those occasional moments when I wonder whether this is what I actually want to do for the rest of my life. Perhaps it stems from my envy of others who can literally drop everything to pursue their interests, be it travelling or acting or simply enjoying life at a leisurely pace. And I can't do that. Security of a future is my most important consideration. My friend said that that's a sign of maturity. I agree with him (obviously) but that doesn't erase the bouts of insecurity of not fulfilling my life's potential (if any).

Perhaps it would be interesting to quote what I believe is one of George Bernard Shaw's better remarks,

"I rather be bad in something I like than be good in something I don't like".

Or could I rely on Robert Frost's poem and pursue 'The Road Not Taken'?

Only time would tell.